do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
