Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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