I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
