I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
