I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You're like the curious george of whores
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
