I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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