And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
