Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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