Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
