I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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