his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
