You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize