Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
