I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
