I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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