Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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