I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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