Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
