Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize