Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
