Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
