Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
