I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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