I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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