When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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