as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
