Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
