when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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