I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
