dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
