Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
