If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
