Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize