hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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