How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
