how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
