If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
