She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize