i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
