A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
