he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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