with your own penis?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize