she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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