are you still at the devil's house?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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