you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
