Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The adults are the big ones right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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