I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
