sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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