Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
