i wish my penis had a tongue
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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