I met the friendliest cop last night
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
