just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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