Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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