if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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