I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
