so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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