The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
