so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
