My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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